I've written, and re-written this post so many times, it's starting to make my head spin. I guess I'm hoping that eventually, I'll come out with the perfect words to describe my world, and the world I'm hoping to find. That with eloquence of words, I might be able to convince people to go "easy" on me. To accept me for what I'm writing. I am likely struggling with the fear of the unknown. I just plain don't know what peoples reactions to what I'm about to say will be. So, I place it out there, and all I can do is hope for the best.
For many years, I've struggled deeply with my gender identity. I have grown up in a deeply religious family, and have good christian morals instilled in me. As a result, I've learned to deny the gender feelings that I have as being a mistake. That my feelings are a mistake, and that what I feel is shameful. Yet, for whatever reason, I don't want to deny them any longer. So here it is. I identify more strongly with my female side, rather than my male side. As a result, I want very much to be able to bring my body in conformity with my mind.
Now wait! How could I say such a thing? What about my Wife? What about my Children? What about my Parents and Brothers and Sisters? Do I have any idea what this will do to them? All of us have the same christian virtues instilled in us. Am I deliberately trying to destroy my family?
I cannot word it better than this page.
It is currently 3:30 am. I cannot sleep. I have so much on my mind. I'm hoping that this will help ease my mind, and get back to sleep. I have work to do, and I cannot let this get in the way of it!
So, yesterday was the best, and worst day of my life. The reason is that I was finally able to see a psychiatrist that specializes in gender disorders. He assured my that nothing was wrong with me. That gender is in the head. I told him my story. He asked a lot of questions, and in the end, I was formally diagnosed with gender identity disorder. He gave me a prescription for a testosterone blocker, and advised me to come out to friends and family. To transition my gender, I would need to live full time in my gender of choice for a period of 1 year. I came home on cloud nine! So happy to have been able to finally get my innermost secret out, and grateful I had a committed Wife willing to help me through the process.
So we got home, and began posting to Facebook, emailing, and calling.
We were communicating all day long.
So far, people have surprised me with how loving they are. For the most part, the comments have been "We don't agree with you, but love you and accept you". Words cannot describe how wonderful it is to hear that. I'm grateful for those who's hearts are big enough to accept a new me. Thank-you thank-you thank-you. In fact, only one person expressed really negative feelings, and that persons opinion is very important to me. I sometimes wonder if I should call it quits, just to preserve this one relationship. So for the next little while, I realize that it will be one step at a time.
So for now, there are lots of questions in my mind. For one thing, I've discovered a new group of friends at a local running club, that I really enjoy spending time with. They push me to new heights in my running, and provide an atmosphere where I feel I can excel in. Even though I am transitioning my gender, and part of that process will be loosing some muscle mass, you had all better training hard. Especially the men. Unless of course you want to get beat by a girl.
Please feel free to comment, email, or PM me on Facebook if you have any questions.